So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ladies don't puke and tell
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
