is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
