Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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