You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
