All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
