Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
