She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize