you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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