Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
