New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
