Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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