my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
