I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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