I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
