I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
