and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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