im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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