Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
