I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
