walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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