He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
