I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
