If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
