Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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