Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
