someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
