Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
