I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
