oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
