I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
