How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
