I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize