I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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