Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
