Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
