I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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