You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
