dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
