I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
