my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
