My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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