I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Randomize
