$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
