I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
