I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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