see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
