I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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