Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
