i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
You left your phone here
Wait...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
