I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
