tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize