I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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