The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
