I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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