Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
