Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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