does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize