i dedicated my morning wood to you.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
